The Final Countdown

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Baby Watch 2011

Inside sources close to the womb have told us "Let me out of here - I'm a person and I long to be free!" This startling revelation has confirmed that yes, there is indeed a hostage situation taking place. However, authorities are surprisingly lackadaisical about acceding to the kidnapper's demands, namely to breathe easier and to not have pelvic pain.

When asked about plans to end the standoff, the police negotiator said he needed another doughnut before he would do anything else. He said, "I'm a man on the edge! I need empty calories and a delicious glaze in my mouth before I will even attempt to calm down the kidnapper!"

Security footage from yesterday has shown us that the holding cell is quite constricted, but that the kidnappee is trying valiantly to tunnel out of her prison. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to realize that those funny shaped things in front of her face are in fact her own hands, so it has been slow going. She has also attempted to drink and yawn her way out of this terrible situation (see above), but with little effect. Experts have determined that a peaceful resolution is likely and have scheduled it for 12/28 at 5AM.

Molly's Outfit: Special High School Edition

On Tuesday, Kevin took all three sleepers to school and made his 10th graders vote. Local NGOs monitoring the proceedings have raised questions about the accuracy of the vote given that some votes may have been erased from the white board and some students may have voted more than once. Videos of ballot stuffing briefly surfaced on YouTube before officials, unofficially and illegally, removed them from the popular video-sharing website. In light of these factors and the fact that all of the students are under the legal voting age, Kevin has offered a 3/5 compromise.

Here are the results (all calculations were rounded down):
Bears: 23 x (3/5) = 13
Frogs: 14 x (3/5) = 8
Duckies: 46 x (3/5) = 27

*Note, several write-in votes were found during the final tally, specifically three votes for a manbearpig outfit, which was described as “part man, part bear, part pig, and all fierce.” Considering the fact that no such outfit has ever nor will ever exist, these votes were disallowed.

Exit polls revealed some interesting insights into the minds of the voting public. Two such interviews struck this reporter as particularly representative of this voting bloc. One supposedly cool 15-year-old boy was heard to remark that the duckies outfit was obviously the best choice because it says “I love mommy” on it and he loves his mommy. Some of the students raised concerns that the frog outfit was not soft enough. The bear outfit in particular inspired serious vitriol, causing one girl to comment: “YOU CAN’T DRESS A GIRL IN A BEAR OUTFIT – BEARS ARE FOR BOYS!!” to which Kevin replied, “why are you yelling at me?”

This is Kevin Mitchell, reporting on location from Kevin's office chair. Stay tuned.

Vote on Molly’s First Outfit

On December 29 or 30, Molly will leave the hospital in one of these hot little numbers. Which should it be? (Polls close 12/29.)

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Which of these sleepers would you like to see Molly wear home from the hospital?