Inside sources close to the womb have told us "Let me out of here - I'm a person and I long to be free!" This startling revelation has confirmed that yes, there is indeed a hostage situation taking place. However, authorities are surprisingly lackadaisical about acceding to the kidnapper's demands, namely to breathe easier and to not have pelvic pain.
When asked about plans to end the standoff, the police negotiator said he needed another doughnut before he would do anything else. He said, "I'm a man on the edge! I need empty calories and a delicious glaze in my mouth before I will even attempt to calm down the kidnapper!"
Security footage from yesterday has shown us that the holding cell is quite constricted, but that the kidnappee is trying valiantly to tunnel out of her prison. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to realize that those funny shaped things in front of her face are in fact her own hands, so it has been slow going. She has also attempted to drink and yawn her way out of this terrible situation (see above), but with little effect. Experts have determined that a peaceful resolution is likely and have scheduled it for 12/28 at 5AM.
Flipping adorable!
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