There is Nothing Clever About The Title To This Post

Dear Assembled Masses and Random StumbleUpon Users,

Little Miss Molly is doing really well, but she has begun to show severe disdain for her father. During a Kangaroo care session (skin-to-skin contact with the baby to help keep her warm and help her thrive), Molly decided to throw up on my sternum. Then, while I was trying to feed her from a bottle, she pretended that she had no idea what a bottle was, nor why I was being so rude as to shove the end of it into her mouth. Not five seconds after I asked the nurse to take over, Molly started drinking from the bottle like it was going out of style. I rest my case. Nevertheless, she is really cute. Enjoy the pictures.

ps. the Duckies won 39-33 over the Froggies in the final tally. Unless Molly immediately vomits on the Duckies, she will wear that outfit home in the next couple days. Thanks for voting!

Molly Has Arrived!

Hi, this is Kate, Kevin and Lisa's sister-in-law. Kevin and Lisa asked me to post a little update about their new arrival because they can't access the blog from the hospital. Good news, it includes those photos of a little bitty baby we've all been waiting for! Congrats to Kevin and Lisa and welcome to the world little Molly!

Molly Has Arrived!

Molly Amelia Mitchell

12/29/11

5:30am

6 lbs 1oz

19.75 in

After having a lot of trouble getting little Molly out, there was a bit of a scare with her not breathing and needing to be intubated for a couple hours, but she is doing awesome now on room air and we should be able to bring her home on Saturday. She is a little beat up from the experience (the large forehead bruise is from the vacuum used to get her out and her lip is really swollen from delivery), but none the worse for wear and likely the cutest baby ever. Both Lisa and I think so. Thank all of you for your support and prayers and enjoy these pictures of our new little person.

Kevin & Lisa

The Final Countdown

ONLINE COUNTDOWNS

Baby Watch 2011

Inside sources close to the womb have told us "Let me out of here - I'm a person and I long to be free!" This startling revelation has confirmed that yes, there is indeed a hostage situation taking place. However, authorities are surprisingly lackadaisical about acceding to the kidnapper's demands, namely to breathe easier and to not have pelvic pain.

When asked about plans to end the standoff, the police negotiator said he needed another doughnut before he would do anything else. He said, "I'm a man on the edge! I need empty calories and a delicious glaze in my mouth before I will even attempt to calm down the kidnapper!"

Security footage from yesterday has shown us that the holding cell is quite constricted, but that the kidnappee is trying valiantly to tunnel out of her prison. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to realize that those funny shaped things in front of her face are in fact her own hands, so it has been slow going. She has also attempted to drink and yawn her way out of this terrible situation (see above), but with little effect. Experts have determined that a peaceful resolution is likely and have scheduled it for 12/28 at 5AM.

Molly's Outfit: Special High School Edition

On Tuesday, Kevin took all three sleepers to school and made his 10th graders vote. Local NGOs monitoring the proceedings have raised questions about the accuracy of the vote given that some votes may have been erased from the white board and some students may have voted more than once. Videos of ballot stuffing briefly surfaced on YouTube before officials, unofficially and illegally, removed them from the popular video-sharing website. In light of these factors and the fact that all of the students are under the legal voting age, Kevin has offered a 3/5 compromise.

Here are the results (all calculations were rounded down):
Bears: 23 x (3/5) = 13
Frogs: 14 x (3/5) = 8
Duckies: 46 x (3/5) = 27

*Note, several write-in votes were found during the final tally, specifically three votes for a manbearpig outfit, which was described as “part man, part bear, part pig, and all fierce.” Considering the fact that no such outfit has ever nor will ever exist, these votes were disallowed.

Exit polls revealed some interesting insights into the minds of the voting public. Two such interviews struck this reporter as particularly representative of this voting bloc. One supposedly cool 15-year-old boy was heard to remark that the duckies outfit was obviously the best choice because it says “I love mommy” on it and he loves his mommy. Some of the students raised concerns that the frog outfit was not soft enough. The bear outfit in particular inspired serious vitriol, causing one girl to comment: “YOU CAN’T DRESS A GIRL IN A BEAR OUTFIT – BEARS ARE FOR BOYS!!” to which Kevin replied, “why are you yelling at me?”

This is Kevin Mitchell, reporting on location from Kevin's office chair. Stay tuned.

Vote on Molly’s First Outfit

On December 29 or 30, Molly will leave the hospital in one of these hot little numbers. Which should it be? (Polls close 12/29.)

Front

Back


Which of these sleepers would you like to see Molly wear home from the hospital?

Molly in Privacy Plea

Newport News, VA: After a third ultrasonography session and the news that she can expect at least one more before her birth, Molly held a press conference today to ask for privacy during this difficult time. "I'm very busy in here. I'm putting the finishing touches on my lungs right now and I'd really appreciate some time alone with my placenta." Molly refused to comment on rumors that she is trying to tunnel out through her mother's navel, but our cameras did manage to obtain this photo of the foot allegedly in the act of kicking. Stay tuned for updates on this developing story.

The Face of Mo*

I know that many of you will be concerned that this baby face is not attached to a baby body, but allow me to allay your concerns. There is in fact a quite active and cheeky little girl human attached to this face - so cheeky in fact that she likes to moon the ultrasonographer on any and every occasion. Lisa often asks aloud whether this person is human or dancer. On second thought, that might have been a song lyric I heard the other day. Regardless, the baby kicks a lot.

The evidence is also apparent by the cute little Jensen nose that this child is in fact Lisa's daughter. We have heard some rumors of alternate maternity but these pictures have proven them unfounded and specious.

*Pardon the Doctor Who reference, but that is how we nerds roll. And her name is Molly.

Can't you read?

Did my belly puncture my carefully crafted personal body space bubble? What is it about a gravid belly (eeww, gravid- I hate that word. What am I, a preying mantis?) that invites random people I don’t know to touch it?

My geriatrics rotation was the worst for this, and the worst offenders of all were the nurses. One nurse even came after me in the elevator as the doors were closing. She reached her hands in, grabbed at my belly, and exclaimed, “Wow! Your belly’s really hard! It must be almost time!” Then she withdrew her hands, stepped back, and the elevator doors closed before I had time to react. What the hell??? I used to boast that if anyone touches my belly without asking, I’d touch hers back and see how she likes it. Now I just stand there, honestly kind of shocked that adults actually do this in real life. There really are people (and all of them are women) who go around grabbing at pregos’ bellies and remarking “you must be ready to pop!” and “that baby must be a girl/boy because you’re carrying high/low!”

This month on internal medicine nobody grabs my belly, thank goodness! Instead, random people in elevators are constantly observing sagely that “there must be something in the water” because of all the pregnant nurses and residents they are seeing lately. Whatever. I much prefer that to assault and battery.

Introducing Dan Sparkles Avocado Sunrise Mitchell*

Based on her projected growth rate, we are also pleased to present the following video showing what the birth will probably be like. Please enjoy.

*Note: Don't worry- this is not her actual name. Birth certificates only have room for 2 middle names.